GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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