I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
