Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
is wine microwaveable?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
