I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
