You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Randomize
