I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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