I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
