Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
