Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
