I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
