I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Randomize
