it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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