I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
