I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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