i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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