A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
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