God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
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