dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
