OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
