Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
