Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
