i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
