Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
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