yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
