I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
