I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
