Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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