sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
