I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
As shirtless as possible
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
