sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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