The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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