but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
