wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
