I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
