Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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