In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Randomize
