Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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