So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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