I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
