I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
