if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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