i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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