and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
