My room smells like vodka and shame
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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