This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
