If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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