What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
