i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
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