Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
