Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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