he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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